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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25168255">Broken thoughts, broken souls</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sgladiate/pseuds/Sgladiate'>Sgladiate</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bellamy is not really dead, Bellarke, Canon Universe, Endgame Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, F/M, Fluff, Grieving Clarke, Idiots in Love, Minor Emori/John Murphy (The 100), POV Clarke Griffin, Pining, Post 7x08, Season 7 AU, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, slight becho</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:42:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,267</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25168255</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sgladiate/pseuds/Sgladiate</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Bellamy, are you sure we’re going the right way?” I asked, wiping the rain from my eyes. I hadn’t been really paying attention as we walked, my thoughts constantly pulling me back into my head, my focus just big enough to remember to step where Bellamy did. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“You’d think after so many months on Earth, trekking through forests and deserts in varying conditions, some would have more trust in my ability not to get lost.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“You did spend six years on a cozy ring, so just checking,” </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Touché, princess, but some things you just don’t forget.” I bit my lip tasting the metallic taste of blood, wondering if we were still talking about being able to find their way in these woods.  Before I could examine his words further, his hand on my upper arm stopped me in my tracks. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Look.” <i></i></i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Set sometime after 7x08 (so we start with Clarke believing Bellamy is dead, but not for long) or basically a Season 7 AU where Bellamy and Clarke still refuse to admit that they're in love with each other because life is complicated. Minor Becho at the beginning. Slow burn all the way.</i>
  </i>
</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>76</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>*IGNORE THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS AND SKIP STRAIGHT AHEAD*</p><p>The actual season 7 canon thus far sucked so much that I'm stuck in some weird limbo where I alternate between crying every time Bellamy's face pops up on my Twitter feed, and watching Bellarke youtube videos that make me cry even harder. Writing an angsty, occasionally fluffy fiction in which I get to include all the stuff JRoth didn't, seems to be a constructive way of spending my evenings and easing some of the pain, so here we are.</p><p>I hope you'll enjoy it and I'll try to update it regularly!</p><p>(By the way, I still think Bellamy will come back at some point because his arc just feels like it hadn't been completed. Right now, I'm going with the idea of it being a simulation. But don't quote me on this. I even set up a twitter account to keep track of the spoilers, theories and beautiful fan videos, so if you're on there, you can find me at @ustillhvhope )</p><p> </p><p>*Chromatics' 'Into the Black' playing in the background*</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Smoke was billowing around me, clouding my vision and leaving my eyes scorching. I couldn’t see far, only being able to discern a stumbling mass as human when it would stand almost directly in my line of vision. People were scrambling away, eager to put distance between the fallen concrete and themselves, occasionally breaking the almost silence that had fallen over the space after the last explosion, to shout out the name of a loved one whom they couldn’t locate. </p><p>I didn’t know where I was heading. It felt like all the purpose I had left, went out with the first spark of the explosion.</p><p>The Sanctum was safe and so were my people there. For once Madi was tucked away from the chaos and I felt some relief at the thought. I pushed my tired legs forward, stepping over another piece of broken rubble. </p><p>My chest felt like it had been filled with cement and I knew I needed to walk. </p><p>The few remaining lights above me started to flicker, indicating electricity would soon go out. It was already dim, and soon a near darkness would envelop the broken compound. I clamped my teeth tighter and my jaw began to ache.</p><p>I wasn’t ready to go back just yet. I would just have to make do with whatever faint glimpses of light that were still able to reach me, coming from the opened portal. I stilled, and turned around, facing the way I just came. The portal was just a small, flickering dot of green in the horizon now. I blinked a few times, trying to clear some of my vision. I concentrated on the shadows and noticed an eerie stillness had finally settled. </p><p>I was finally alone. </p><p>I stopped and took a large, choking gulp of torrid air. Then one more. And then another.  Finally, hot tears began streaming down, marking their way down my face. I angrily wiped my eyes and took a tentative step forward, and once I found my rhythm again, began to walk, inching further into the depths of the darkness.</p><p>I needed to think; formulate a plan of some kind, a plan that would tell me how to deal with the fact best friend was dead.</p><p>The word ‘dead’ is such a funny word, I thought. The more I said it, the less sense it appeared to make and it certainly didn’t seem to convey the impossibility of what it was suggesting. </p><p><em> My </em> Bellamy couldn’t be dead.</p><p> The thought not once had entered my head when I set off to bring back my friends. He was just there the other day, his warm arms around me like a cocoon, telling me that we did do better. </p><p>I scoffed. He was wrong. No matter what we did, people always ended up dead. </p><p>And now, he joined that awful too-long of a list. </p><p>My feet stumbled over a jagged edge of a rock and I began to fall forward. I was too stunned at first at the quickly approaching ground and I brought out my hands too late to break the fall. My cheek smashed against a blunt surface of concrete, sending a piercing shot of white pain through my head. </p><p>My face pounded.</p><p>I closed my eyes and then I tried to push my way up to a sitting position. I slumped against a broken part of a wall, trying to breathe through another wave of pain. The remnants of the smoke in my throat suddenly made my stomach lurch, and had to lean to the side to vomit. </p><p>The smell didn’t even bother me and neither did the sour taste in my mouth.</p><p>I cautiously inched back against the wall and breathed through my nose.</p><p>What was I to do now that Bellamy was dead?</p><p>He was my rock ever since the dropship had landed on Earth. His presence had steadied me throughout the years, made me feel that I had an unwavering force of support behind me, no matter what bad choice I've just made.</p><p>We’ve been separated before, but it never felt final. There's always been hope that he would get back to me.</p><p>
  <em> We still breathing? </em>
</p><p>An involuntarily sob broke to the surface. He couldn’t be dead. He never got to live in the peace he spent his life fighting for. How was that for fair? But then didn’t I already know that death had a terrible sense of humor? </p><p>My chest was heaving and I no longer bothered to control my crying. I tried to recall his expression, the last time I bid him goodbye, unknowing it would be for the last time. I wanted to remember the warmth of his honey-brown eyes that held my gaze when I turned to look at him one last time.</p><p>I screamed. It was a horrible scream. Loud and desperate like one of a wounded animal.</p><p>I had never told him I loved him. </p><p>That I was stupidly, immeasurably in love with him and now he would never know. There was never a right time when they were trying to find a way of dealing with an impending end of the world and then the conflict with Eligius happened and the fact that he had returned from space with a girlfriend, didn’t help matters either. </p><p>I bit my lip, cracking it opened as more tears slipped out. I wished I’d told him. I didn’t know if he’d felt the same, but I thought if somebody was in love with me, I’d like to know.</p><p>When it felt like my tear ducts had been thoroughly emptied, I placed my throbbing cheek against my thigh and circled my legs, slightly rocking back and forth; the monotony of the movement, grounding me lightly to the present. </p><p>My eyes had stung from the salt from the tears and the residue of dust and smoke in which I must have been sitting for hours and the rational side of my brain began nagging at me to get back up and make my way to Sanctum. </p><p>I shuddered as my whole body protested at the thought. I wasn’t ready.</p><p>I needed to grieve Bellamy Blake alone. </p><p>I didn’t have it in me to face Echo and Octavia and offer them condolences for their loss, because it felt like a chunk of me was missing, and now that the adrenaline from the past few days began ebbing away, I didn’t have it in me to look collected and strong. </p><p>I didn’t want to be collected and strong. </p><p>Eventually, I felt my limbs go heavy and I didn’t seem able to keep my eyes open.  </p><p>At that moment though, at the brink of sleep where if you think of something hard enough and you can make it seem real, I imagined the low timbre of his voice; the deep rumble when he said my name and the feel of his calloused fingers as he traced the skin on my cheek. </p><p>I sighed in contentment. </p><p>I didn’t want to face a reality void of him; it looked bleak as if his death drained the world of all the joy. I would stay here for a little while longer as sleep tugged me deeper into its arms, imagining the sound and the touch of Bellamy Blake as if he were next to me.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Gusts of warm air fanned my cheek, gradually bringing me over the cusp of consciousness. My body felt light and warm, and I turned my head closer to the radiating heat coming from the side, snuggling my head closer.</p><p>I took a deep breath, thinking that it had been a while since I felt this comfortable, when a familiar musk of cedarwood and mint stroked my nostrils. </p><p>My thoughts stilled and memories rushed back like a deluge of freezing water, and any thoughts of contentment evaporated as I remembered the past few days. </p><p>Of course the smell seemed familiar, it was what I came to associate with a feeling of safety; it was a distinctive Bellamy fragrance, one that remained unchanged. At that moment, I thought my brain to be particularly wicked for dredging up such little detail. </p><p>My body shifted forward and I realised she was being carried and my eyes snapped open only to meet the sight of a dark threadbare cloth of a shirt. I moved my head to the side and a loud gasp left my mouth as I glanced up. I was almost convinced then and there that I was losing my goddamn mind.</p><p>How else do you explain it when you see the sight of someone you were told was dead?</p><p>My arms and legs fumbled for freedom, willing to get out of the firm hold, but instead the hands around them pressed tighter, hesitant to let go. </p><p>“Clarke, be still for a second. Let me just put you down before we both end up falling,” said a Bellamy-like voice. I detected a hint of amusement in it and it sounded so much like him that my eyes teared up and everything in front swam.</p><p>How? Was I imagining this? Was it a hallucination brought on by my earlier fall? </p><p>“Bellamy?” I whispered. My eyes were overflowing now and tears were draining down my face.</p><p>He placed me on the gritty ground and moved his hands to my shoulders, squeezing.</p><p>His touch felt real enough.</p><p>“I’m not dead, Clarke. You’ll have to wait a bit longer before that happens.” </p><p>His voice sounded real enough.</p><p>I looked into his eyes, noting the gold speckles decorating the dark copper of his irises and found myself believing. </p><p>He really was here. </p><p>Laughter bubbled from my throat and I surged forward, wrapping my arms around him like my life depended on it, breathing in the smell of his body. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I didn’t know how long we had stayed like that; his large hand moving up and down my back, brushing off the melancholy of the last few days and reaffirming his presence while the other circled my back and made me reluctant to move.</p><p>At some point, my legs began to cramp from the prolonged inactivity and awkward position. I took my sweet time when I shifted my soot stained hands away from his neck, noting the imprints I had left, and then I moved them down his shoulders and arms.</p><p>It felt as if by marking Bellamy Blake with my dirt, I was laying claim to him; without my will, he couldn’t disappear.</p><p>Only then was I able to move away.</p><p>As I stood back, my eyes travelled up and down him, like they would when examining a medicine cabinet during an inventory of the supplies, looking for any sign of harm or injury and when found none, I sighed in relief. Only then it struck me that his beard was gone. </p><p>My heart clenched at the sight and I bit my already sore lip to stop myself asking about it, as now wasn’t the time, first I needed to learn what happened to him. </p><p>“Where were you? Everybody thought that you died in the explosion.”</p><p>He looked at me intently, as if seeing the desperation I felt at the news. </p><p>“I know, I’m sorry -” He paused, licking his lower lip. “-I saw what was happening seconds before the grenade was detonated so I had time back away a step or two. The blast of the explosion did the rest, when it pushed me back into the opened Anomaly.”</p><p>A grin forced itself up my lips and soon Bellamy was grinning back.  </p><p>“You’re like a cat with nine lives,” I said tenderly.</p><p>“You’re one to talk.” I just grinned harder at his words but I felt it my lips drop as I’ve just eaten something sour as more memories began to force their way up.  </p><p>“When Gabriel told me you were dead.. It felt like a really bad joke and that at any moment you’d just come out from your hiding place, laughing that he managed to get to me. It just didn’t seem real.”</p><p>“You know I wouldn’t do that to you.” I absorbed his words. Of course he wouldn’t, he must know how much he means to me by now and how gut-wrenchingly painful it would be for me to even consider him dead. </p><p>“Then, I thought when Octavia, Echo and Diyoza entered, at first concealed in their suits and helmets that perhaps you were one of them; standing behind them, and when you I realised you weren’t-” my voice shook and I had to look away, blinking away the new wave of tears that threatened to descend.</p><p>I felt his hand on her chin, moving my face back to face him. He then started to wipe away the few tears that made their way down despite my vehement efforts to stop them in their tracks.</p><p>“I would have been back sooner, but I had a little trouble getting back,” he said once he retracted his hand, meeting my eyes. </p><p>“So where were you?” I asked after a beat of silence.</p><p>“I haven’t found out the name of the planet, maybe it doesn’t even have one, but it's very much like Earth before Primefaya sans the Grounders.” He scratched his head, thinking. “It’s abundant in forests and lakes. Quite beautiful, actually.” I smiled slowly at his recollection. </p><p>“I would love to see it.” </p><p>“I see no reason why you can’t. If we’re being honest, I fancy it more than Sanctum so wouldn’t mind another trip. Two suns were always a bit much for me, I have enough freckles as it is.”</p><p>I elbowed him lightly, stealing a quick glance at his freckles when he laughed.  I happened to quite like them.  </p><p>“So how come you’re here? Have you been to Sanctum and seen the others?” </p><p>Bellamy’s forehead wrinkled as he answered.</p><p>“Not yet.” </p><p>“We should get back then. They’ll want to know you’re alive and well.”</p><p> I moved to stand up, flinching when my vision blurred slightly and before I had a chance to stumble, large hands guided me back to the ground.</p><p>“Sit, Clarke. I think you might have a concussion,” he said, glancing at my bruised cheek. I realised my head was indeed pounding in pain, now that he mentioned it.</p><p>“Great,” I mumbled, leaning slightly against him. We sat in comforting silence, the heat of his body keeping her warm. </p><p>“So you want to tell me, how you acquired the splendid looking coloring on your face?”</p><p>He raised his thick, dark brow and I sighed.</p><p>“You saw for yourself that the lightning here is not great. It doesn’t take much to trip.”</p><p>“Which would beg the question why were you going away from the light coming off from the Anomaly?”</p><p>“Can we change the subject for a second?” I asked, briskly, annoyed at the pointless direction the conversation was taking. I wanted to talk about him, the fact that he was miraculously here with me and breathing and not about bruises and my grief.</p><p>“Bellamy, we have too much to discuss. You still haven’t told me what happened when you were away.” </p><p>He moved his head so he could see my face and I schooled my expression into one of stubborn resolution. I wanted some answers too. It was his turn now to produce a small sigh.</p><p>“What do you want to know?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So he knew how to operate the Anomaly stone and you asked to come back here?” I asked after Bellamy gave me an account of who he met on his new planet. </p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you get back to Sanctum and get back-up? How would you have gotten Octavia out of here by yourself?”</p><p>“Oh. With my charm and good looks, as I’d initially planned?” he quipped, but seeing I wasn’t amused, he added “ I found out about what happened and knew everybody was safe in Sanctum.”</p><p>He saw me frown then in question and clarified further, “The man told me. He has his ways of staying informed.” I had so many questions. Who was the man? How well did Bellamy get to know him? But it felt like I needed to see the backbone of the story first before I dug into the details.</p><p>“Then what are you even doing here?”</p><p>“I’d also heard, a certain blonde leader hadn’t come back. I’d assumed it was you.”</p><p>My pulse quickened, and I had put some effort into my next words to stop them coming out rushed and high pitched with emotion. </p><p>“So you came here for me?” Bellamy shrugged his shoulders. </p><p>“It’s hard work keeping you alive,” he said in mock seriousness. “I gathered it was best not to tempt fate and leave you too long by yourself.” I snorted.</p><p> “I’m serious, Bellamy.” I decided to ignore the warmth that spread inside me.</p><p>“I was worried about you. I know you’ve just lost your mum. The knowledge that one more person you know had died, wouldn’t have been easy.” </p><p>My mother’s death and all the emotions that went with it had been locked away behind a sturdy door in my mindspace, and admittedly I hadn’t gotten around to dealing with them properly. Occasionally, some things would prompt the door to slip open such as that day in Sanctum with Russel when I set fire, albeit accidentally, to the Palace but then I watched it burn, not allowing anybody else to try to take it down.</p><p>“It wasn’t easy for anybody.” I said eventually, thinking of Echo and Octavia.</p><p>“They’ll be okay. A day here is a couple of minutes there. We can take as long as we need.”</p><p>I took a hold of his hand and squeezed it in gratitude and as I’d begun to remove it, he wrapped his fingers around it, keeping it securely in his. I glanced at him questioningly but he didn’t meet my gaze, instead he looked in the direction of the Anomaly.</p><p>“So what springs to your mind, in terms of future plans for the rest of mankind?” Bellamy asked, still looking away. </p><p>I thought for a second, thinking of what we’d be needing to prioritise now that the power structures have shifted with the Primes in Sanctum being exposed as nothing but frauds and the Bardo leaders dead. </p><p>“We’ll have to work out how to unite the people in Sanctum. Expand the compound to fit in the Bardonians or work out how to rebuild here.”</p><p>“Do you think it’s worth trying to force peace on people who don’t want it? Maybe it’ll be best if we separate and make use of the different planets now in our disposal.”</p><p>Now that was a thought. “But we should still agree to disagree, work on creating some sort of treaty.”</p><p>“To prevent inter-galactic warfare?”</p><p>“And to think I used to think that you couldn’t read my mind.” I said in a mock-sardonic tone of voice  and Bellamy gave a lopsided grin in response. </p><p>“Speaking of Sanctum, do you want to go back now or do you want to spend the night here?”</p><p>“I am pretty tired,” I answered thinking I didn’t really have the energy for night long celebrations that would certainly follow once everybody saw Bellamy.</p><p>He smirked. “In that case-” he stood up and began to shrug off his wooly cardigan and then proceeded to lay it out on the ground. “This will keep out the cold.”</p><p>I raised my brows when he patted the space next to him as he sat back down, now on the piece of clothing. </p><p>He looked right back, willing me to give him a reason why I shouldn’t join him and I swallowed, feeling my throat dry up.</p><p>Oh, stars. Of course, I wanted to sleep next to him. I just didn’t want to suddenly start cuddling him in my sleep, by which I mean I did, but it wouldn't strictly speaking, be appropriate and I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. That is, if I even managed to fall asleep because I suspected that I’d probably spend the next few hours just revelling in the closeness and comfort that Bellamy Blake provided.</p><p>I took a steadying breath, hating how easily the man in front managed to fluster me without even trying. I tried to think of an excuse that I could give him as to why I shouldn’t sleep there, but conveniently my brain came up with nothing; resigned, I shuffled over onto his makeshift mattress. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After a while, despite my deep exhaustion that stretched to my bones, I was sure sleep would continue to remain at arm’s reach. I lay by Bellamy’s side, our arms side by side touching, conscious of his every intake of breath, all the while hardly believing that he was indeed here with me,  alive and unhurt. </p><p>“I can hear you thinking, Clarke. Go to sleep,” he mumbled.</p><p>“I’m just happy that you’re not dead.”</p><p>“I aim to please, princess,” he said with mirth in his voice. </p><p>I stilled, shocked at the use of the familiar endearment. The last time he called me that was around the time when they learned that the nuclear reactors inside power plants were melting down. He must have felt my muscles stiffen as he then moved to his side and looked at my face.</p><p>“The ‘princess’ thing just slipped out. If you’d rather I didn’t call you that, I will try to refrain from doing that again,” he said seriously and I bit my lip, which was getting far too sore to keep biting it, to stop myself laughing.<em> Of course </em> he’d stop calling me that if I asked, it was who he was. Always caring. Always, the heart.</p><p>“No, it’s that I don’t like it. It actually grew on me when you stopped being an ass.” Bellamy chuckled quietly at the words. </p><p>“I don’t even know why it affected me to hear you say it just now to be honest.  I guess I wasn’t expecting to hear it again after so many years.”</p><p>Now, it was his turn to freeze. Eventually, he shuffled his body and took out his arm from next to him, stretched it above my head and pulled me closer to him, where I had no option but to rest my head on his chest. His hand remained on my arm, </p><p>“This okay?” he asked, his voice quiet.</p><p>“Mmmm,” was my only affirmative reply; I was still slightly dazed at finding myself so close to him. Soon though, the steady rhythm of his heart and the warm embrace, lulled me into a deep sleep.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N - Well, I'm sorry guys about how this season is turning out be.</p><p>*slight spoilers ahead*</p><p>I've still had hope until today's episode that there would be a way for Bellamy to come back, but now that's all gone and so I'm just going to pretend that everything that aired after 7x12 isn't canon because it just feels so wrong and out of character. </p><p>I wasn't sure if I'd be writing beyond the first chapter, but is seems that writing is helping me slightly with trying to get over the disappointment of what JRoth had done to my favourite characters so I'll be sticking around for longer, and hopefully will get this finished at some point.</p><p>More soon I hope and happy reading x </p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>My eyes flicked open as I gasped, my breathing stuttering as I tried to draw in more air into my  lungs, the images from the dream still vivid in my mind.  I forced herself to slowly expel it, and breathe in more slowly. I dimly registered the warmth of a body on my side and I glanced in that direction. Bellamy was bathed in the faint glow of the Anomaly light, deep asleep. Seeing him breathing and relaxed, made the next breath easier to draw.</p><p>The panic I felt was dissipating, but now I was wide awake courtesy of the adrenaline splurge following a dream in which he was very much dead. That was fine, I was content to just lay here and watch him sleep. I rarely got to do that; the last time was after I woke up on Eligius but the memory was soiled by learning shortly after about Monty and Harper’s deaths. </p><p>The relief that he was right next to me was immense; like a warmth of hot water warming a chilled body after a day out in the cold but even that seemed like a poor comparison.</p><p>I turned to my side so I could watch the rise and fall of his chest, feeling calmness settle over me. I didn’t know how long I had watched him breathe, an hour, two? It was hard to tell time where there was no sun visible. I looked up from his chest to his sharp, shaved jaw covered in a shadow of stubble and swallowed. He looked like just before Praimfaya, when he was still my Bellamy, at least in my mind.</p><p>I felt a sudden urge to brush her hand against his skin and feel the prickle of his stubble graze my hand. Instead, I  forced my gaze further up to his closed lids, to quieten the temptation. I saw the slight movement of his eyeballs underneath, as they moved from side to side. I smiled. He deserved proper rest, especially when for so long it’d remained a luxury we hadn’t been able to afford.</p><p>Watching him sleep, I wondered what Bellamy would think if he woke up right now and found me staring. Would he find me creepy? Or would he understand that I was starved for his presence and this - watching him sleep, seemed to satisfy that hunger?</p><p>I didn’t care how weird it was and how much it began to distort the boundary between friends and something more. Believing him to be dead for days till not too many hours ago, earned me the right for special privileges, at least that’s what I told myself. I sighed and silently thanked whoever was listening that my best friend was still here with me. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” a voice whispered. “Time to rise and shine, sleeping beauty!”</p><p> I grunted and tried to turn away from the cheerful voice that was keen on disturbing my sleep. I was so comfortable, I didn’t want to wake up just yet. I hoped I could chase down the remnants of my dream that seemed to be seeping away alarmingly fast, thanks to somebody trying to talk to me. </p><p>Couldn’t they see I didn’t want to be disturbed?</p><p>I snuggled my face further into the warm pillow, and heard a low chuckle by my left ear. I languidly cracked one of my eyes open. </p><p>“I’m seeing a whole new side of you, Clarke.” </p><p>I twisted my neck back to find Bellamy’s face inches away from mine. I blinked fast and turned my body around so I was facing him, which might not have been well calculated on my part as there was now barely any space between us.</p><p>“Bellamy,” I said, my voice still rough with sleep. His lips broke into a wide smile. I had fallen asleep while I was watching him sleep at some point, my body gravitating closer so my frame was snug against his. No wonder I was so comfortable. </p><p>“I never realised you weren’t a morning person before.”</p><p>I arched my brow, daring him to continue making fun of me. The effect was ruined when a large yawn escaped my mouth, making him smirk even more. I sighed loudly. </p><p>“And I never realised how annoyingly chirper you are so early in the day,” I said.</p><p>“Only for you, Princess.” My heart fluttered at the words, and I shoved him lightly in the torso, making him roll over onto his back as a new wave of laughter erupted from his chest.</p><p>He slowly got up, and started to stretch his arms. </p><p>“So, ready to go back?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We made our way to the main compound where the Anomaly was located. It was time to return to Sanctum at last. The prospect of seeing Madi and all of my friends again should in all honesty, be making me feel ecstatic, after all I no longer had to grieve Bellamy. Then why, was there a lowkey feeling of dread encompassing my whole being? The closer we stepped towards the bridge, the larger the pressure behind my eyes grew like I needed to cry but at the same I couldn’t and wouldn’t. What right did I have to cry now?</p><p>The sound of my name drew me back from my thoughts and I realised Bellamy must have been trying to get my attention for a while. I turned my eyes to him and saw him examine my face, searching for a clue that would reveal what had me so distracted.</p><p>“Clarke, is everything ok?” Bellamy eventually asked, his brows lightly drawn.</p><p>“Oh, yeah. I was just thinking about the past few days.” I felt bad lying to him, but how could I begin to explain something I myself didn’t understand?</p><p>Then a warmth engulfed my back, and I realised Bellamy had put his arm around my back, drawing me closer to him. My breath hitched in surprise at the contact and I hoped he hadn’t noticed.</p><p>“It will all be alright now.” His words tickled the side of my cheek as he spoke while rubbing my shoulder in a comforting, circular motion. I resisted the urge to close my eyes and moan at the gesture and refocused on what he said. I wasn’t sure if I agreed.  Based on the past few years, I tended to set my expectations low; things had a nasty habit of going wrong.</p><p>He held me close to him for a few more minutes before withdrawing. We weren’t too far now from the bridge.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The green mist swirled around our bodies and my stomach twisted at the sudden vertigo. I hated this mode of travel; it was almost as bad as the first trip in Dropship down to Earth. I squeezed Bellamy’s hand knowing he wouldn’t be faring much better, and his thumb pressed harder against my hand in response. </p><p>I breathed out having unconsciously held my breath for longer than was necessary.</p><p>Here we come, I thought. </p><p>The air started to feel less thin and the spinning began to reside. Ten seconds later, the cave which housed the Anomaly stone underneath the Children of Gabriel compound appeared before us. I felt Bellamy’s grip on my hand loosen, before he withdrew it completely and I tried to pretend the loss of it hadn’t left me feeling strangely bereft. I moved forward and we tentatively stepped out onto the pebbled ground from the Anomaly, which quickly started to decrease in size. </p><p>The chill from the moist air quickly began seeping into my bones and I suppressed the need to shiver, while my eyes roamed the dark space around us. Finding our bearings, I started to head towards the ladder that would lead us back to the surface, Bellamy trudging closely behind me. I was pretty sure that he was muttering something on the lines of it being better being warm outside. My lips twitched as I stepped onto the ladder rung. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Bellamy didn’t get his wish. </p><p>By mid afternoon, we were two hours into our trek to Sanctum and completely soaked by the torrential downpour that relentlessly refused to give in. </p><p> “Bellamy, are you sure we’re going the right way?” I asked, wiping the rain from my eyes. I hadn’t been really paying attention as we walked, my thoughts constantly pulling me back into my head, my focus just big enough to remember to step where Bellamy did. </p><p>“You’d think after so many months on Earth, trekking through forests and deserts in varying conditions, some would have more trust in my ability not to get lost.”</p><p>“You did spend six years on a cozy ring, so just checking,” </p><p>“Touché, princess, but some things you just don’t forget.” I bit my lip tasting the metallic taste of blood, wondering if we were still talking about being able to find their way in these woods.  Before I could examine his words further, his hand on my upper arm stopped me in my tracks. </p><p>“Look.”</p><p>I frowned, unsure what I was supposed to be looking at; everything here looked more or less the same, my disorientation in this new terrain was a complete turn from my easy days in Eden, where I knew where every obtrusive tree root lay, every trough and peak in the land. </p><p>Bellamy wrapped his arm around me, and slowly turned me to his right.</p><p>“That tree over there, with the funny mark on it, do you see it?”</p><p>“Yes?” I really didn’t know where he was going with it. </p><p>“That’s where you or Josephine had the first seizure in front of me, shortly before Children of Gabriel captured us.”</p><p>“Oh.” I remembered; he cut his own finger to put his blood on my forehead to keep my nightblood identity hidden. I turned so I could face him, and his eyes gleamed back at me. I scanned his face, wondering how he remembered something as inconsequential.  </p><p>“You remember something like that?” My voice came out sounding weirdly high. </p><p>“Well, you did have me pretty scared when you dropped to the ground and started to shake,” Bellamy said, looking away, but then after a pause, turned his head back towards her.</p><p>“I guess we both need to work on frightening each other a bit less,” I said quietly, looking into his large, brown eyes that unblinkingly looked back at hers, rain droplets collecting on his eyelashes as the rain continued to pelt down on them. </p><p>A loud rumble in the sky close to us made us jump apart and only then did I realise how little distance there had been between us. </p><p>“This weather is getting worse, we should make a run for it,” I said halfheartedly, somewhat distracted by how hard my heart was beating. </p><p>“On three?” Bellamy asked. My lips quirked up and I agreed. </p><p> “One.. -” he began, his sparkling eyes on me, “..two!” and he sprinted past me and shouted “Three!” in the far distance.</p><p> I couldn’t believe him sometimes and broke into a run.</p><p>“Bellamy, you cheat! Just wait till I catch you!” I shouted after him, knowing very well it was an empty threat because he was a faster runner with his longer legs and would only get caught, once he chose to do so. </p><p>My breath came out in short bursts as I dodged trees and forest shrubs, and I saw Bellamy wasn’t too far ahead now. He was slowing down.  When I eventually managed to reach him, I was laughing. </p><p>“I hate you, Bellamy.”</p><p> “No, you don’t. Thanks to me, you’re no longer cold.” </p><p>“I was the one who suggested we run, Mr. Short-Term-Memory.” He huffed a laugh. “Oh, really? I was talking about the fact that you wouldn’t have run as fast if I’d been by your side the whole time.”</p><p>“You’re unbelievable.” </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The sun was starting to set when we reached a small interlude between the tall fir trees, which grew wider before eventually giving way to a stretch of empty land where a large metal tower stood. We were in front of the radiation shield. </p><p> I moved past Bellamy, needing to switch it off before we could venture out further. It didn’t take too long but the lack of strenuous movement as my hands worked on disabling it, and my damp clothes meant that I soon felt cold and uncomfortable again. I couldn’t wait to submerge in a hot bath. </p><p> “Bellamy, it’s off!” I shouted. Bellamy gave a nod, and made his way towards me. </p><p>We strode into the corn maze that would lead us to Sanctum, side by side. The tall height of the plants created long shadows that seemed to be trapping us. I wondered if Sanctum would ever feel less menacing and more like Eden. In our brief time here, I hadn’t created too many happy memories.</p><p> “I can’t believe it’s only been a few days since we left Sanctum,” Bellamy said, his tone sombre.</p><p>He was right. Too many things have happened; I thought I’d definitely gone through a whole spectrum of emotions in those few days, which frankly was exhausting. No wonder time seemed to have stretched. </p><p>“A lot did happen. I need the near future to be a tad less eventful.”</p><p>“Oh yeah? I thought Clarke Griffin thrived on chaos and trying to instill order.”  </p><p>I froze as a heavy weight settled over my chest at the words.  Is that what he thought? That I enjoyed negotiating peace treaties and trying to figure out the best way for my people to survive? That I didn’t yearn for a quiet life where every decision didn’t end with somebody dying?</p><p>He didn’t think much of me, then.  </p><p>“I’m sorry to disappoint, Bellamy,  but I would literally do anything not to ever have had to set foot where there was any chaos. I’d like to think I would thrive if I didn’t have to think about the various ways the people I love could die because of some decision I ended up making,” I exclaimed breathlessly and moved past him, without sparing him a second glance. </p><p>“Dammit Clarke, I didn’t -” he started, sounding exasperated, but I cut him off.  “Save it Bellamy, let’s just get back.” </p><p>“I didn’t mean it like that.” </p><p>“No, you did and that’s fine,” I said, my voice sounding clipped.</p><p>“Come on, Clarke. Let me -” </p><p>I stopped, and pivoted around to face him. “No, it doesn’t matter, ok? We’ll talk later. Let’s just go now. I need to check on Madi.” Bellamy’s face fell at the words and he pressed his lips together, then nodded but I could see he wasn’t happy. </p><p>We would talk later, he was my best friend after all and I wouldn’t abandon him just because he said something that I didn’t like. I just needed to reconcile how Bellamy really viewed me with how I imagined he did up to this point and I needed a moment for that. </p><p>If he saw me as this cold, he clearly couldn’t ever have loved me. I sniffed and blinked away the tears. That was fine, I could deal with this too. </p><p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey! </p><p>I thought I would clarify few things regarding the plot:</p><p>- Gaia here did not get sent to Earth. At the end of Hesperides, she returned safely back to Sanctum.<br/>- There is no Sheidheda in this story<br/>- I’m not sticking to the layout of the farm house or it's interior decor as we saw it on the show except for the exterior</p><p>Anyway, I had fun writing this chapter and I hope you'll like it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>The initial welcome committee consisted of an overly enthusiastic golden retriever charging at us at the bottom of the hill on top of which stood the yellow house, where our friends and I had been staying after the Sanctum palace had burned. </p><p>Picasso’s coarse tongue continued to interchangeably slobber Bellamy’s and my face, leaving them wet with saliva. It was strangely funny how a golden ball of fur managed to instantly make everything horrible that had happened, seem far away; my thoughts were reduced to those of trying not fall over when the dog too eagerly pressed its paws against my shoulders as I crouched down and that Bellamy’s laughter had a especially nice ring to it.</p><p>I noted shouts coming from the hill’s top. </p><p>At first they were faint and confused, but their volume quickly intensified when they realised that the man next to me was no other but the oldest of the Blakes. Soon Bellamy was surrounded by a swarm of shocked but delighted faces.</p><p>I drew back from the crowd and moved to stand by a nearby tree, allowing the tree trunk to support most of my weight as I pressed against it. The coarse bark of the tree dug into my back, but I was too immersed in the tableau in front of me to care; Bellamy standing in front of the little crowd, Octavia, Madi and Echo the closest, as they all incessantly peppered him with questions.  </p><p> </p><p>Eventually, I noted his back growing more and more rod straight as the initial excitement began to wear off, as if all the pairs of eyes on him suddenly were beginning to be too much. I twisted my neck around to release some of the tension and wondered what a good course of action would be.</p><p> In normal circumstances, I wouldn’t think twice about going up to Bellamy under some pretence that I needed to talk to him to give him a chance to get a breather from all the attention. Now, I wondered if he would still welcome my intervention. We hadn’t exactly fought but we did spend the last twenty minutes of our walk up to Sanctum in uncomfortable silence after my outburst earlier. </p><p>I closed my eyes and ran my hand through my hair, unsure what to do. I had no good reason for dragging him away from his girlfriend and the rest of his family, no urging issues to talk about but I could cut the reunion short by reminding them that we were still very much soaked from the earlier rain. </p><p>I walked up to the group, making a beeline for Madi. I embraced the girl, kissing the top of her head and she smiled up to me before once again turning back to Bellamy to finish listening to a story about some of the things he got up to on his faraway planet. He reminded me then, of himself in the first few weeks on Earth when he became the delinquents’ charismatic leader with his inspiring speeches. I caught him glancing at me every now and then as he spoke and I refused to look away, too mesmerised by the words that flowed out of him.</p><p>Eventually when I started to feel cold again as the warmth generated by the trek started to dwindle, I’d decided it was my chance to temporarily break up the little gathering; he would probably be feeling the chill too and his surmised recollection did actually come to an end and although his posture was more relaxed than it had been earlier, he still seemed tense.</p><p>“I know you’re all happy to see Bellamy but I think it would be a good idea if he actually got out from his wet clothes-” I paused when I saw Murphy smirking and sent him a glare, “-from the earlier rain , we should give him a chance to warm up,” I finished and indicated to his wet hair that stuck to his forehead.</p><p>Bellamy mouthed a silent thanks and soon Echo started pushing him towards the house.</p><p>I swallowed heavily, willing myself to stop looking at the backs of the retreating couple. Before I had a chance to move from my spot, I felt a brush of air at the side of my head.</p><p>“Griffin, I knew you wanted to get him out of his clothes, but I didn’t think you’d be this bold and actually demand it in front of the girlfriend,” Murphy whispered to my ear and I felt a faint blush creeping up my cheeks.</p><p>“Oh shut up, Murphy,” I said rolling my eyes, hoping my voice contained enough indignation so as not to reveal how close to the truth he was getting about my attraction to Bellamy.</p><p>“I missed you too. Anyway, go dry off and I will make you the most memorable drink that you will ever drink.”</p><p>“John, I don’t think you’re selling it here,” Emori interjected, as she came up to them, wrapping her hands around Murphy’s neck.</p><p>“No, he definitely isn’t,” I said laughing, “but you know what Murphy, I’m feeling brave today so I will try it despite the bad advertising.”</p><p>“Atta girl,” Murphy said, looking somewhat proud and I turned to head inside to my and Madi’s room. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>I peeled off my wet clothes and longingly thought of the bath at the end of the corridor. I couldn’t go now though; I wanted to savour the moment the knots in my muscles came undone and I didn’t want to spend that time thinking about having to get out anytime soon. I’d go after I had a drink with Murphy and caught up on what happened in Sanctum while we were away.</p><p>I looked around the room and it came to my attention that it looked different. The bed was actually made and there were no clothes scattered around the floor. </p><p>It was <em> neat </em>.</p><p> Madi never out of her own volition would put things away unless I was there to remind her and only then would she do it, while grumpily noting that it was just a waste of time, seeing that the room would soon return to its disorderly way of being anyway, so it was just better to accept things as they were rather than fight their natural state of existence. I would just tell her to stop being philosophical, and tidy anyway so I was surprised that Madi, having not left Sanctum for the past few days, had the space looking like it was unlived in. </p><p>I reached for a towel and wrapped it around herself, drying my arms and then face with one of the edges. As I pulled back the door to our shared wardrobe, I froze. Half of the content was missing. Madi’s half. I took a deep breath, trying to work through various scenarios of what it meant. Maybe she moved in with Gaia because she didn’t want to be alone. Probably. I proceeded to get dressed, wishing the feeling of slight discomfort would shift from my head. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Everybody was milling around the biggest room in the house; a softly decorated living room with wooden floors and a large fireplace. There were two blue armchairs, both currently occupied by far more people that they should be holding, and a large sofa of a similar shade. </p><p>I glanced around, looking for Madi. She was sitting on the floor next to Picasso, who was currently sitting on just it’s two hind legs and with it’s back straight, it’s front legs pressed against its body with the paws dangling free.</p><p>I approached her as she was praising the dog and releasing a treat into the air for the golden retriever to catch.</p><p>“Madi, hey.”</p><p>“Clarke, did you see this? She finally managed to do the trick.” </p><p>“I did. It’s impressive.”</p><p>“Well, it only took her a week.” A tinge of warmth erupted in my chest as I chuckled; this was everything I’d wanted for Madi since our home on Earth had been disturbed; a safe place where the girl could be a child, carefree and happy. The dog was a perk I hadn’t anticipated in the scenario, but one I was very much on board with. As if sensing my thoughts, Picasso moved closer and licked my leg. </p><p>“I’d actually wanted to ask you something. I’ve noticed your things were gone from the room,” I said, sitting down next to Madi.</p><p>Madi’s face grew a warm shade of raspberry.</p><p>“I hope you’re not upset, Clarke. I thought it’d be a good idea if we both had our own space and when one of the smaller rooms here freed up when Indra decided to move closer to Sanctum, I thought I’d take it.”</p><p>“Ah makes sense and, no, I’m not upset. You’ve just had me worried when I entered the room, and I saw how clean it was.”</p><p>“Ha ha, Clarke,” Madi said, rolling her eyes. </p><p>“Clarkey! Come here!” came a shout from the interconnected kitchen, where Emori and Murphy stood behind the kitchen island, surrounded by glasses and bottles of alcohol. I smirked at the name, happy that they still wanted to drink with me, despite us growing apart over the past months.</p><p>“I better go and join them. You’ll be ok?”</p><p>“Yes Clarke, I was actually supposed to join the other kids at the sports grounds for a game of football, that’s meant to be happening soon.”</p><p>“Ok, and you’ll be back before it’s eight?”</p><p>“Clarke,” Madi gave me a hard look and I couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that recently she took a special affront to being ‘babied’.</p><p> “I think so, but anyway Picasso will come along so you don’t need to worry.” Somehow I failed to see how well Picasso would fare as a guard dog, but I let it go. </p><p>“Fine, I’ll see you later then Madi.” I stood up, and pressed my hand to her shoulder, rubbing it softly in a goodbye. </p><p>Since we stopped being solely by ourselves, isolated from the rest of humanity by the distance of the Earth’s atmosphere and layers of concrete, rubble and soil that enwrapped the bunker,  I worried we weren’t spending that much time together and about her having to grow up too quickly. There were conflicts, wars and demands being placed on Madi’s shoulders which tended to exceed what should be acceptable to place on the mind of a twelve-year old. She told me that I was using a pre-dated model of childhood and that my Arkadian upbringing was showing and that I worried too much. I didn’t agree, although I appreciated it that perhaps she didn’t hold it against me that things weren’t as quiet as they once were in Eden.</p><p>I reached the kitchen and saw crates of alcohol taking up a considerable amount of the space next to the kitchen table. Murphy noticed my gaze. </p><p>“Cool, huh? We gotta celebrate Bellamy’s second coming. I’ve sent Madi earlier to raid the tavern and bring -”</p><p>“What?” my eyes snapped away the colourful drink that Murphy started to prepare, only to see him smirking.</p><p>“You should have seen your face just now. Don’t worry, the little gremlin didn’t go near the alcohol stash - Jackson and I are the heroes who probably ruined our backs tugging these over.”</p><p>I reached over and smacked his arm. Hard. </p><p>“I think I will really need to start drinking soon if I am to endure your humour for the rest of the evening.” </p><p>“Your words wound me, Griffin.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Murphy, Emori and I drank and we talked about politics and debated whether keeping Russel locked away long term is something that should be done. Eventually we’d decided the decisions needed to be made another day when beats of music didn’t swallow up our words and everybody was there to partake. </p><p> </p><p>Madi came in a few hours later, hair rumpled and with grass strains on her knees. She gave me a long hug and said her team won the game and that she was exhausted. I stroked her hair and kissed her forehead while she rubbed her eyes and then told me she’d see me in the morning. She pushed her tiny body up the stairs as if the steps were mountains and I watched till I saw her back disappear. </p><p> </p><p>Emori recounted the times where Murphy drove them insane on the ring and I laughed until my sides hurt and my mind sizzled in content. It was good to be surrounded by friends; with everything that had been going on since Earth, I had forgotten. I told them about the Madi, who at first I thought was a ‘devil child’ and the things she managed to pull off in the first few weeks and I could see Murphy was impressed. </p><p>“I’ve still got a scar on my leg.”</p><p>“Remind me not too get on Madi’s bad side,” said Murphy</p><p>“It’s too late for that John, I think you need to start watching your back,” said Emori winking and I sent her a grin. Murphy groaned.</p><p> </p><p>I saw Bellamy and Echo walk down the stairs and I then just realised, I hadn’t seen them since we were outside. I turned my face away, back to my drink and took a large gulp. It burnt my throat and I relished the sensation. I saw Murphy looking at me and I stared back. I didn’t want to talk about it and instead poured us another glass. </p><p> </p><p>Soon Nilyah and Bellamy came over to join our group and Bellamy sat down next to me on kitchen bench. He was wearing a tightly fitted grey t-shirt and he looked good; too good. I turned my head away, focusing on what Emori was saying across the table and then I felt his arm press against the skin of my arm when Miller came over to join us and Bellamy had to shuffle closer. The nerve endings on my skin frizzled; tiny pinpricks of fire erupting where our bare arms touched. I wondered if his was doing the same.</p><p>I thought about moving my arm away to sever the contact, but then a larger part of me felt too good to want to relinquish it.</p><p>I had a feeling it would be a long night.</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>My head was slightly fuzzy as I made my way upstairs. Almost everybody was still downstairs and the faint sound of music could be heard even up here as it penetrated through the walls. </p><p>Our, or rather just my room now, had a little balcony, and I headed there next, wanting to breathe in some fresh air. My skin felt too hot.</p><p>I looked out at the landscape in front of me and I was taken back by the beauty of it. A veil of darkness had fallen over the hills but you could still make out the mist that had gathered, made visible by the full moon. More in the distance, the large lake seemed almost silver in the illuminated light and the -</p><p>A thud of footsteps and the click of a door below me dispelled my train of thoughts. </p><p>“You must be so happy.” Raven’s voice.</p><p>“Of course I am. It’s like being given a second chance.” Echo.</p><p>I considered leaving then, I didn’t want to be privy to a conversation that I was obviously not meant for my ears. </p><p>“I think I’m going to ask him to marry me.” </p><p>At first I wasn’t sure I completely understood. The words sounded foreign, out of my reach, incomprehensible. Who was she planning to ask? Then, their meaning hit me at once and the words were a spell; taking away my ability to move and drying up my throat. I swallowed hard while the balcony underneath shifted under my feet. I tried to move back inside but my weight moved too much to the side, and my arm hit the metal railing. I swore under my breath, hoping they didn’t hear me and lowered myself to the floor, glaring at the aching limb as if it personally offended me. </p><p>“...It feels like now that he’s back, there’s no point in waiting. We’ve been together for a while, and losing him, thinking that was it for us, well, it just made me want to make this bond between us official.”</p><p>“That’s amazing Echo,” said Raven. They carried on talking, but I could no longer make out the words.</p><p>A stream of thoughts rushing through my head made me breathe too fast because I couldn’t focus on a single one of those thoughts for too long. I tried to concentrate on the sensations around me, and began to center my attention on the coldness of the floor that was creeping into my clothes, into my skin and then cooling my blood. </p><p>Gradually, the rush of my thoughts subsided into a trod.</p><p>Echo will propose to Bellamy and he will say yes. I squeezed my eyes shut until geometric shapes began to float in fron of them. In my head, I had stupidly assumed there was an expiry date attached to their relationship. It was horrible and not even wholly conscious on my side, just a feeling my brain conjured up to make myself feel better. If Bellamy and Echo weren’t forever, there was a chance that him and I could one day be. </p><p>That would obviously will no longer be a possibility if they got married.</p><p>I knew Bellamy. We’ve never spoken about it, but I imagined that he respected the sanctity of marriage and would never willingly break it, just like he respected the promise made to his mother that he would look after Octavia. I was certain, he took the vow ‘till death do us apart’ literally. </p><p>There was no reason for him to say no to Echo. Hell, he already saw me as cold so why would he want to swap her for me?</p><p>In that moment, I hated myself for falling in love with Bellamy with my whole being.</p><p>Slowly, cradling my arm, I moved back inside. </p><p>I needed to walk.</p><p><br/>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <b> 7x16 SPOILERS AHEAD and long rant so skip ahead if you haven’t watched the ep or don’t want to hear me moaning! </b>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <b>In my head, when Clarke shouts after Picasso and says that she doesn’t want to be alone, a familiar voice interrupts her.<br/>“You won’t be alone.”<br/>It’s Bellamy. Clarke stares at him in shock before running into his arms like in season 3 and he spins her around  and they hug it out but this they’re both crying. We know they’re going to be ok because there’s too much history, friendship and love there. Then, Clarke looks up and all of her friends and family are there, including Wells and Jasper and everybody else JRoth killed off.<br/>In this scenario, they can procreate and have families. That’s my happy ending. I’ve imagined it so well that I can just pretend it happened at this point, because what I saw last night I just cannot accept *sad shrug*.</b></p><p> </p><p>  <b>JRoth had disappointed so much over this season, but especially with the finale. Watching the show I had hoped till the very end that Bellamy would be there, I didn’t even care if he’d be with Clarke or not. I just wanted him to get his happy ending, the one he deserved, and I still can’t believe JRoth chose to be this spiteful and childish and not even give us that. That death scene Bellamy got? It was pathetic. 11 seconds for a lead character for six years? It was not what he deserved. That stupid rule JRoth made on how people who died can’t transcend? <i> Please. <i>The whole thing barely made sense and that's the reason he gives us? The whole episode felt rushed where they were skipping from one scene to the next as if they haven’t had the time to go over everything properly when they had sixteen episodes, most of which felt like fillers full of pointless scenes (think Echo and Niylah last Azgeda conversation. Like why did we need to learn about it now? - that could have been erased).<br/>Jroth thinking shock value = good storytelling, made me not enjoy the show at all this year. He abandoned the story he was telling for six years, the idea of the heart and the head for creating this awful parody. It’s just so sad - I was always looking forward to seeing how they would choose to end the show and expected the finale to be exciting and satisfying. Rewatching the trailer for 4x13 made me feel more than the whole of 7x16.<br/>I think it will take me a long time to get over JRoth making me feel this deep apathy for the show I once loved so much :-( </i></i></b><i><i></i></i></p><p> </p><p>  <i><br/><br/></i></p><p> </p><p>  <i><br/><i>  <b><br/><i><br/><i>What are <i> your <i> thoughts on the finale? And sorry for the lengthy rant. </i></i></i><br/></i><br/><b><br/><i><br/><i>Oh and I hope you'll enjoy the chapter! x <b></b></i></i></b></b></i></i><br/><br/></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>When I got outside I started walking without direction with the aim of getting away from the house, before remembering the lake I admired in the distance. It was far enough to give me some time to think. I wended my way through the thigh long grasses that lined the hill down before finding a little worn path that seemed to lead straight towards the water. </p><p>
  <em> He’s getting married, he’s getting married, he’s getting married. </em>
</p><p>Like a mantra, the simple fact refused to abandon the focus of my thoughts and bounced around relentlessly in my head, only breaking at the sight of the lake in front of me some miles later. </p><p>The water was calm and serene and everything that my mind wasn’t and before I could talk myself out of it, my trousers were a heap on the grass and I was tugging the shirt over my head. I breathed in deeply. There was no point in overthinking; I needed a distraction, simple as that. My leg muscles clenched in anticipation and then I was sprinting; the water was soon licking my ankles, then my calves and my then my feet pushed me off the ground and I leapt into the lake’s depths. </p><p>I was submerged entirely and then I broke the surface, gasping for air.</p><p>My face smiled and I realised my body felt awake and alive, not the numb shell it was on the balcony. I moved my arms forward, pushing them against the force of the water and swam away from the shore. Soon, I was near the centre of the lake and my muscles burned. I slowed down and started treading water, before pushing myself onto my back. The ink sky above twinkled with stars and I felt a splatter on my cheek and then another on my nose. I looked around me and watched the rain fall like a mass of discarded needles, pricking the surface of the lake.</p><p>I laughed out loud.</p><p>I felt like I was alone in the universe at that moment and yet not alone. How could I feel sad, when I was able to experience this? He was alive and I was being miserable that he was going to get married? The feeling that I was being ungrateful clenched at my brain, tugging for me to stop ignoring it. Foremost, he was my best friend and I wasn’t losing that, even if he had a wife and eventually a family of his own. He would still be in my life, and I had Madi, and began to feel more reassured and hopeful.</p><p>I watched the sky above, trying to recall the constellations above me, before remembering this wasn’t Earth and the stars I was seeing were no longer the ones I knew. </p><p>I thought of my mother and whether her spirit now floated amongst those stars.</p><p>The grief for my mother was there, but no longer sharp and overbearing but blunt and quiet, settled down in the corners of my mind. The disappointment for the life I’d never have with Bellamy wasn’t gone either, but now I felt I could grasp it and one day I would maybe squash it away all together; for now I recognised that I could be happy at the fact he would be happy. He deserved it. </p><p>I observed the sky above me for some time until a chill began to expand through my body up to the point it got too large to ignore.</p><p>Slowly, I started to swim back, backstroke to still see the stars, my body lighter.</p><p>“Clarke?!”</p><p>I stilled. Bellamy? </p><p>I flipped from my back so I could look towards the shore, and there he was. </p><p>“What are you doing here?” I shouted.</p><p>“I could ask you the same thing, Clarke!”</p><p>I couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped. He sounded so annoyed and my blood frizzled in excitement; there was something about a short tempered Bellamy that made him even more enticing. I couldn’t really see his eyes now, but I remembered the fire that rose in them every time we fought back after we landed on Earth. </p><p>“What’s wrong?” </p><p>“Seriously? You’re swimming in the middle of an unknown lake in the middle of the night, by yourself and you are asking me what’s wrong?!”</p><p>Momentarily, I felt stunned at the words. He was angry because I was alone? To me, this place right here felt like a haven. It seemed silly for him for him to be concerned over something so unthreatening, when we’ve managed to survive two ends of the world. </p><p>“Bellamy, stop fretting and get over here.” I said eventually. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You heard me. The water is amazing! It’s-” I paused and decided to bend the truth a little. “- warm and -” </p><p><em> Calming </em> I wanted to say but seeing that it would probably be the opposite of what he wanted to hear right now, I’d decided to not mention it. </p><p>“- and we can talk here. I’m not going to keep shouting at you across the lake!”</p><p>My mouth went slack when I saw him pull off his shirt and reach for his belt buckle. I hadn’t expected him to give in so easily. My body felt hot against the cool water and I watched transfixed as he finished undressing. His body shone in the moonlight and then I saw the water splash. He disappeared under the surface and when he rose up, he shook his head and swore. </p><p>“It’s freezing! You said it was warm,” Bellamy’s voice was thick with indignation and surprise.</p><p>“Would you have gotten in, if I said it wasn’t?” He sent me a half hearted glare and I could see some remnants of annoyance still clinging to him, still not entirely erased by the water.</p><p>I swam up towards him as he did towards me and we met halfway.</p><p>Two days ago if somebody told me I would be swimming with Bellamy, I would have told them they were crazy.</p><p>But here we were.</p><p>“Isn’t it beautiful?” I asked.</p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p>I tilted my head, and gave him my ‘do you want try again’ look and his upper lip twitched. </p><p>“Fine, it’s adequately beautiful for the circumstances.” I laughed at his stubbornness.</p><p>“And what circumstances are those?”</p><p>“That I’m still mad at you Clarke.”</p><p>I pursed my lips and scanned his face.</p><p>“There is no reason for you to be. You don’t have to worry about me, Bellamy.”</p><p>“Yeah? The bruise on your face tells a different story.”</p><p>“It was an accident. Accidents happen all the time, whether you like it or not.”</p><p>“You’re right. Here you were deliberately putting yourself in harm’s way. That’s worse.”</p><p>“So by swimming here, I’m putting myself in harm's way?” </p><p>“Yes! You came here alone without most likely knowing anything about this lake and you probably didn’t even tell anybody you were coming here.”</p><p>“I was being spontaneous.” </p><p>“Next time, you feel like being spontaneous, get me.”</p><p>“Well, seeing you’re here now and all is good, you can try again at telling how much you love the water.”</p><p>“The water is bloody cold, that’s what it is.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah?” I moved and splashed some in his face. His face scrunched up and I quickly moved to swim away.</p><p>“Oh, no you don’t!” I heard him move behind me.</p><p>I increased my speed and swam harder but then his hand was around my ankle, pulling me back. I flailed, laughing but he refused to let go and then I was in front of him and my hands were around his shoulders, holding on for support.</p><p>It was still drizzling and I felt dizzy by the smooth texture of the wet skin underneath mine.</p><p>His eyes burned into mine and a blanket of calmness ensconced me; I felt at home. The thought scared me. I let the arms around him fall limb into the water but the invisible force gluing my eyes to him, refused to sever.</p><p>“Last one to the shore is a loser,” I finally forced out the words and they felt heavy and sharp as they cut through the silence between us. I teared my gaze away.</p><p>“A loser,” he repeated while my back was already turned to him and I could hear he found the sentence amusing.</p><p>“Yep, see you there!” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We reached the bank at the same time and by the time we got out, his lips were slightly blue as were probably mine. Then, I was struck by the realisation that he would be seeing me in my underwear and I felt myself still and my body growing warm. I looked towards him and if I didn’t know better, I would have said that he was blushing and avoiding my gaze.</p><p>Curious.</p><p> I would never have suspected Bellamy to be unsettled by a female body when he’d already seen his fair share over the years.  I made a note to ask him about this at some point later. </p><p>I reached over to grab my clothes from the ground, which were now damp and cold and not at all inviting and they treachesly opposed as I pulled them up my wet skin. </p><p>I sighed when I finished, annoyed at how long it had taken and turned towards Bellamy who was now smirking as he watched me. I guess he got over whatever discomfort he felt earlier.</p><p>“Enjoyed the show?” I asked. </p><p>“You did make it very entertaining. I never realised acrobatics were on a par with putting on leather,” his voice teased as he looked down my trousers and I felt my skin prickle at the thought that he watched me flounce around trying to slide them on or that he watched me at all. </p><p>“You try doing that with wet skin.”</p><p>“You should have brought a towel.” </p><p>“Remember when I said about it being spontaneous? I didn’t realise I’d be going swimming.”</p><p>A gust of wind blew and my teeth chattered. The cold seemed more viscous, now that I was out of the water. </p><p>“Come on, let’s go back,” said Bellamy and I moved towards him, at which he then began to take off his navy, cotton jacket.</p><p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>“You don’t have one,” Bellamy said simply and shrugged before handing me the garment.</p><p>“You will get cold.”</p><p>“I will be fine,” he said and started walking. I slipped on the jacket and straight away felt warmer. I involuntarily breathed in the faint Bellamy smell that lingered on it and a part of me felt invincible then; a great combination of awake and fresh from swimming and pleased from having Bellamy there with me.</p><p>I jogged up to him and reached out to wrap my hand around his wrist and he looked first at our joined hands and then at me.</p><p>“Thank you.” I wasn’t sure if I was just thanking him for the jacket or everything that transpired in the last few days.</p><p>“It’s nothing,” Bellamy said gruffly.</p><p> I let go of his hand and we started walking again, this time he was sticking right by my side.</p><p>“You haven’t told me what you were doing here,” I said. </p><p>“I couldn’t sleep so went for a walk to clear my mind”</p><p>“Nightmares?”</p><p>“No, more like, I just can’t switch off my thoughts sometimes.” I appreciated his candor as I knew myself it wasn’t easy to talk about things like that.</p><p>“If you ever need to talk, you can always come to me.” </p><p>There was a pause before he answered.</p><p>“I wanted to apologize, Clarke, for earlier - what I said to you on the way to Sanctum. I didn’t mean to insinuate that you enjoyed it when things were rough, just that you’re a good leader.”</p><p>I swallowed. </p><p>“It’s okay.”</p><p>He sent me a smile and I couldn’t help but reciprocate, then I nudged his shoulder and dodged his when he tried to nudge me back. </p><p>
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</p><p>The door shut softly behind us as we stumbled to the nearest lightswitch in the darkened foyer. It was late or early enough that everybody chose to head upstairs to get some sleep, leaving behind relatively little evidence of earlier celebrations, except for the array of alcohol bottles that lined the wall closest to the entrance.</p><p>“Follow me,” Bellamy said quietly and I wondered what he had in mind; I assumed we were both going to go separate ways when we returned, into our respective bedrooms. When I turned to ask him, he was already plodding down the hallway tinged in an orange glow from the fire burning in the hearth in the living room, and so I followed after him. Trying to not make too much noise, I turned on some of the smaller lamps by the couch and the nearby commode, and the entire space soon started to look even more homely.</p><p>“Hot chocolate?” Bellamy asked from the kitchen that connected with the space further back, and I raised my eyebrow. We had hot chocolate? I felt the saliva pooling into my mouth; I hadn’t had any since the Ark days and I could already taste the sweet cocoa coating my tongue.</p><p>“How could I say no to that?” I said, trying not to sound like an overly excited child but I knew he saw right through me when I heard his soft chuckle.</p><p>I moved into the kitchen and leaned against the countertop and watched Bellamy moving from cupboard to cupboard, jostling the items inside. He looked like he belonged in that kitchen.</p><p>“Oh no, don’t tell me now there isn’t any,” I said when he didn't produce the hot chocolate powder after two further long minutes of rearranging the cupboard contents.</p><p>“I’m sure Madi said she hid a tin somewhere for me to try.”</p><p>“Madi, huh?”</p><p>“What can I say, the kid likes me.”</p><p>“Yes, she does.” Madi always talked about him. She adored Bellamy, even before having actually met him. Bellamy stopped moving and looked at me from his crouched position on the floor.</p><p>“I guess I have you to partly thank for that. I’m pretty sure all the stories you told Madi that painted me in a favourable light, must have rubbed off on her.”</p><p>“Don’t cut yourself short Bellamy. I never told Madi anything that wasn’t true.” </p><p>“Clarke I’ve done plenty of ba-” </p><p>“Bellamy stop, your motivations were always pure. I know it and Madi knows it,” I finished and shrugged. Bellamy was chewing the inside of his cheek and was looking at me with a strange look in his eyes, reminding me of our last long conversation before Paimfaya. I really wanted to reach out and brush his cheek then to somehow show him with touch that I meant everything I said. </p><p>
  <em> Thud. </em>
</p><p>I jumped and saw the pan Bellamy had left resting on his lap as he moved out items of the way inside the cupboard, had rolled to the ground.</p><p>The noise broke my train of thoughts and I realised I shouldn’t be wanting to touch his face especially when he was meant to be getting married.</p><p>“You should try the cupboard on the left, you haven’t tried looking in there,” I said.</p><p>Bellamy didn’t get up right away and continued to look at me for a couple of more seconds and I had to force myself to stop from going up to him.</p><p>Finally, I saw him put away the pan, get up and check the cupboard and an excited shout of “Bingo!” followed soon after. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We sat down on the blue couch with our spiked hot chocolate and I could feel the warmth slowly seeping into my frozen fingers as I encircled the mug. I shuffled back so my back was against the back of the couch and tucked my legs underneath my body while Bellamy fussed over the cushions.</p><p>“There’re so many of them,” he complained.</p><p>“It’s nice that way.” </p><p>“There is no way that you can find that comfortable,” he said referring to the heap that was on my right.</p><p>“What I think your problem is Bellamy, is that you got too used to spartan surroundings and sleeping on hard ground. You just don’t know how to deal with little comforts.”</p><p>“I can appreciate a good cushion anytime, but these are odd - far too large and did you even feel the fabric? It’s like petting Picasso.”</p><p>“You’re ridiculous.” Bellamy snorted. </p><p>“That’s why you like my company.”</p><p>“Well..” I started slowly, enjoying watching the playful look on his face.</p><p>“I will take that hot chocolate off you and drink it myself.”</p><p>“You wouldn’t dare.” I liked it far too much to share, even with Bellamy.</p><p>“You shouldn’t be so sure.” There was a glint of mischief in his eyes and I sighed, loudly, so he would hear.</p><p>“Fine you’re my best friend, Bellamy and I enjoy your company. Happy?” A large contagious grin erupted on his face. </p><p>“And you’re mine, Clarke.”</p><p>“Great, now that we’ve established that, let me drink my hot chocolate in peace,” I said and took out my foot from underneath me and lightly kicked him in the thigh. He caught it with his free hand and instead of pushing it away as I expected him to, he started massaging it - his thumb pressed into my foot, drawing imaginary circles and bit the inside of my lip at the touch.</p><p>“Bellamy, you don't have to do that.”</p><p>“I want to. Foot massages are just a perk of having me as a best friend.”</p><p>“And hot chocolates.”</p><p>“Exactly.”</p><p>Eventually, he moved on to my second foot and I leaned back further so now I was half sitting, half laying on the couch. I felt relaxed from the swimming, the sound of the fire crackling, his touch, the drink and my eyelids kept feeling heavier and heavier and soon, I was too tired to try to fight off the sleep. </p><p>
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